o imagine learning that Uncle Albert met al Capone. Well that is exactly what happened to Mike and Denzil since a lost script was recently discovered by Perry. Enjoy reading this part of the script that never made it to our screens. It’s during the Only Fools and Horses episode called “Miami Twice – The American Dream” and features in the middle of the episode where they are in the Nags Head.
It’s just after Del says “Your milkman told me” to Boycie and before the outside scene of the Nags Head where Rodney and Cassandra are talking about the christening and Rodney having chunks bitten out of him.
So enjoy the lost scene:
DEL AND BOYCIE LAUGH.
MIKE, OFFENDED, MOVES DOWN BAR.
BOYCIE : When’s the milkman say that then?
DEL SHRUGS (CAN’T REMEMBER)
MIKE HAS MOVED DOWN BAR. TO WHERE ALBERT AND DENZIL ARE SEATED.
ALBERT: You were right about crime in America.
MIKE : Thank you, Albert. I’m glad there’s someone here who watches more than just Match of the Day!
ALBERT: (SAYS THIS TO THE SAME TUNE AS “DURING THE WAR”). Before the war.
MIKE : (RINGS BELL AND CALLS) Last orders !
DENZIL :(TO MIKE) And it was all going so well!
ALBERT: (HASN’T EVEN HEARD THEIR PROTESTS)
1930 it was. We sent a fleet over to North America on a friendly visit to a few Canadian and US cities.
DENZIL : No more for me, Mike, I’m away.
ALBERT: Our last port of call was Chicago. One night I went out for a quiet
drink and Al Capone tried to kill me.
THERE IS A PAUSE AS DENZIL AND MIKE EYE EACH OTHER WONDERING WHETHER THEY SHOULD CONTINUE THIS
DENZIL: Al Capone??
ALBERT : Eh ?
MIKE : Al Capone tried to kill you??
ALBERT: Yeah. Nasty bit of work.
DENZIL :What, the Al Capone??
MIKE : Scarface Capone?
ALBERT : He did have nasty scar as it happens.
ALBERT STUFFS SOME TOBACCO IN HIS PIPE.
MIKE: Why did he try to kill you, Albert?
DENZIL: What’d you mean “who”?? Al Capone!
ALBERT : I asked him to tell me a joke and he got the ‘ump.
DENZIL : You asked Al Capone to tell you a joke? Why did you ask Al Capone to tell you a joke, Albert?
ALBERT : It was the language difficulty. See, I was sitting in this Chicago
nightclub when Al Capone and his mob come in. Course, I didn’t know
him from Adam. Well, the barman told me he was a racketeer but I
thought he said a raconteur. So I said, oi, Al, tell us a story.
MIKE AND DENZIL LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
ALBERT: (con’t) Caw, dear me, old scarface copped the right needle. Told one of his blokes to take me outside and shoot me.
MIKE: So why didn’t he?
ALBERT : He discovered I was a British sailor and changed his mind.
DENZIL: I hate people who dither.